The Fine Art of Flaking: When to Bail and How Not to Be a Jerk About It

Canceling plans is often met with guilt, anxiety, and judgment. However, there’s an art to flaking that involves considering the nuances of your relationships, the occasion itself, and your own emotional well-being.

The recent trend of “cancel culture” has led many to reevaluate their priorities when it comes to social engagements. When deciding whether to cancel plans, consider the broader context of your schedule and attention span. In today’s fast-paced world, commitments are increasingly packed, and our attention spans are dwindling. We’re constantly juggling work, personal life, and social obligations – often with little room for error.

Julian Givi, an associate professor at West Virginia University, suggests that the importance of a person can be a decisive factor in canceling plans. “How important is this person?” he asks. This simple yet profound question cuts to the heart of our social relationships.

The psychology of canceling is complex. Studies have shown that close friends are often hurt when we cancel plans, but they also tend to be more understanding and forgiving due to their familiarity with our constraints and limitations. On the other hand, acquaintances and strangers may be easier to bail on – but this can come at a cost.

The occasion itself plays a significant role in determining whether to cancel plans. A monthly game night is one thing, but a funeral or wedding is another story altogether. People are more likely to cancel informal events than formal ones. However, when those lines get blurred, it’s essential to consider the occasion’s significance and your level of commitment.

Take, for instance, a friend’s birthday party versus their graduation ceremony. The former might be easier to skip, while the latter requires more effort and commitment. It’s not just about being present; it’s also about showing up with a willingness to participate and engage.

The burden of attending can also be a deciding factor. We’ve all been there – scheduling a hangout only to remember later that getting there will be a logistical nightmare. Research suggests that we’re terrible at predicting how much fun we’ll have, often overestimating the costs and underestimating the enjoyment of an event.

Ella Moeck, a lecturer at Adelaide University in South Australia, notes that if you’re anxious about attending, it’s probably not going to be as bad as you expect. So what do we do? We cancel, often with little consideration for those left behind.

To strike the right balance between being considerate and honest about our limitations, follow these guidelines: when in doubt, err on the side of caution – especially when it comes to close friends. Consider the occasion itself and be honest with yourself (and others) about your reasons for canceling. Don’t make excuses or feel obligated to attend if it’s going to cause you significant stress.

Flaking isn’t just about showing up or bailing on a whim; it’s an art that requires consideration, empathy, and honesty. By taking the time to think critically about our relationships, occasions, and own emotional well-being, we can learn to cancel plans without being jerks – and maybe even find a way to make those social engagements more enjoyable for everyone involved.